I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I loved you conditionally.
I’m sorry for the times I loved you with my arms out, walls up.
I’m sorry for the times I loved you with a skeptical heart while I expected you to love me with a whole heart.
I’m sorry for the times I kept track of all the things you did to hurt me while keeping track of all the good things I’ve done for you.
I’m sorry I ever thought love was a match and in order to win I need to score the most points.
I’m sorry that while I burn my own track record, I hold yours in a secured box to take out on a whim.
I’m sorry I let the past project on the present.
I’m sorry for my ill-intentions in loving you, hugging you, asking how your day has been.
I’m sorry I use my good, helpful deeds to demand you love me in return.
Here’s the thing.
I’ve learned to love at a distance. I’ve learned to love conditionally.
Hardships and pain from past relationships with friends, family, and significant others have taught me the best way to love is with walls.
Loving at a distance is safe. It means I can run away if pain arises.
But the truth is, it provides only an illusion of safety.
That feedback I never gave you from when your actions hurt me? It still burns in my heart.
My deep-seated need to be known? It’s never met when I can’t even articulate to you my human feelings.
Safety? This isn’t safe.
When Jesus took his first breath in the manger as a vulnerable and helpless baby, God wasn’t loving at a distance.
When Jesus met with those who society deemed unworthy and chose to call them not only worthy but also valued, God wasn’t loving with walls.
When Jesus’ wrists and feet were nailed to the cross and blood dripped to the ground, God didn’t expect anything in return for this heart-filled moment.
His love was boundless.
His love was bountiful.
His love was unconditional.
His love was incredible because He is love.
And this is the love I’m learning to show you.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
