These past 8 months of CGA have been a gift from God that I didn’t know existed, but were exactly what I needed.
I learned to be still, make pies, use Excel.
I hiked parts of the Appalachian Trail, stayed up way too late with friends, cried at inopportune times.
I learned how to cast vision, lead a team, disciple.
I learned I’m not a mistake, I’m chosen, I’m worthy because He loves me.
I experienced God as my Papa, Pursuer, the Lover of my Soul.
Of all the lessons, three hit at the heart of my time here.
- His No is just as Faithful as His Yes
Early October I opened a letter from a dear friend on the front porch of the Farm.
In the neatest writing, it read,
“Why are we so afraid of the future? If we knew the greatness of the gift coming for us, we would understand the magnitude of the battle we are fighting.”
Tears rolled down my face as all the hopes for the future I had just surrendered to the Lord flashed through my mind. How many times have I exchanged the gift of my Lover’s grace and faithfulness for my own desires?
Even when I ran away, even when I hid in shame, He was there. In patience, in grace, in steadfast love.
When I finally let go of my hopes and gave them to my Hope, as He shook His head “No, not this” or “No, not yet”, I felt peace.
My soul concluded, I don’t want to hold onto something He isn’t giving me.
- He Likes Me, Likes Me
One Thursday morning, beginning of December, mid-mascara swoop on the right eye, it hit me.
“No man will ever fulfill me.”
I held that position. I held that notion.
Through years of hopeless tears and hopeful prayers over men, He had always been the one there. He held me close and whispered the words I needed to hear, but didn’t stop long enough to take in.
He likes me, likes me.
The kind where “I’m over the moon for you and can’t stop thinking about you.”
He likes me, like me.
The kind where His mind spins with questions to know the little parts of me. Like “What’s her favorite candle scent?” or “Is she a 5 mph over the speed limit or 7 mph kinda woman?”
Every day as we took late evening walks and early morning coffee dates, love that was once built on conditions and earnings came crashing down.
I realized more and more: He’s crushing on me.
And there’s nothing I need to do to earn that.
- The Graciousness of Uncertainty
April taught me the beauty of the journey, the mess, and the uncertainty of life.
I used to desire the end result of seasons. False comfort came in the certainty of knowing and having the answers.
Vulnerability of the mess of my life seemed too risky to share with others. So I would hold tight to my expectations of what the end result should be and performed my way to the outcome I desired.
“To be certain of God means we are uncertain in all our ways.” (Oswald Chambers)
I am uncertain of what the future holds, but I’m certain of the One who created it.
He doesn’t need me to be successful, He just desires for me to be faithful.
I’m learning to lean against Papa daily in expectancy of the uncertainness of life and ask, “What will You do next?”
